Speaking of the plunge, if you have a pool, stay submerged. Get on a tube and take your margarita with you. No pool? Then fill a tub with ice and ease yourself in. No tub? Get under a shower and run the cold water.
You can always find yourself a cool movie theater and watch the same picture over and over again. If management gives you the boot, adjourn to the lobby and watch the people. Far more interesting than some of these flicks they have out now.
Get into a conversation with your teenage son — if he’ll talk to you. Speak his language and say nice things to him. He’ll reciprocate by saying, “Cool.” That’s bound to have an uplifting effect.
Find yourself a good book like “Snowbound” and adjourn to the basement. It’s always a tad cooler down below.
Get on a computer and find the coolest destinations in the world. Don’t bother booking a flight. The heat won’t last. Instead, look at the pictures and dream.
Scoop up a small mountain of ice cream, then another and another. Opening the freezer door will give you temporary relief. Stick your head inside for a second but don’t close the door — just enough to catch a chill.
Mama used to be a woman full of platitudes. She had this old Armenian saying which was bandied about at times like this. “There are no fans in hell.”
She spent the last four years inside an air-conditioned nursing home and was a lot better off than us sweat hogs.
Writer and photographer Tom Vartabedian is retired from The Haverhill Gazette. He contributes this regular column.